My day has been talking to me since I got up. Actually, since before I got up this morning.
I have not been listening.
I have been pushing. Striving. Trying. Working hard. Forcing.
I know better than this. Aren’t I the one who helps people align with living life their way? Doesn’t it even say that right on the front page of my website? Yup. I am. And, yup, it does. Ugh. How embarrassing.
And yet, I forget sometimes. Like today.
When I got up this morning, after a night of interrupted sleep (thanks, my littlest pupster), I knew that it was going to be what I call a ‘living uphill’ day. Where everything I do takes Herculean strength. Normally that would set off an internal alert reminding me to ask myself what I really want to do. Listen to see what my body and mind are telling me is right for the day.
Oh, but not today!
I walked the dogs first thing this morning and my photo for today caught my eye. A very delicate white flower in the midst of a profuse mist of tiny white flowers. It was so gentle and still in the mess of gentle and still flowers. I felt a kinship to those little white petals. I felt understood and connected to that tiny bloom. But after taking the photo, I pushed on.
When I posted that photo and wrote what feelings came up for me, what images appeared before me as I looked at that image, I imagined an afternoon nap in my bedroom with the parakeet green walls. As the words came through my fingers and fell into targeted bits on my keyboard, I felt being lost in a moment of ease. My day was calling to me. And I didn’t listen.
Instead, I pushed through. I had ‘photo a day’s to catch up on. So many things to do. My eyes looked over my calendar, and all the dates and days lost order in my mind. I mentally tripped and physically backspaced over and over. Did I misname that file? Did I just misname it again??? Repeatedly I had to go back change this or that. Things that are normally simple were fast becoming a labyrinth.
And then the issue that I haven’t been able to work out since starting my photo a day chimed in just for the sheer fun of it. WHY ARE MY PHOTOS RANDOMLY CROPPING THEMSELVES??? I have tried everything except what works. I labored over it, sent an email to someone asking for help, read forums on sizing photos, etc, I felt my energy drain away even further. My living uphill day was somehow going down the rabbit hole…fast. And still I didn’t listen.
The dogs started pacing. Time to go out. I took them for another walk and I slowed down. Not because I was suddenly mindful but because I was exhausted. I breathed. A light breeze of seriously lucious air rustled dry November leaves. As we walked, I heard the crunch of tiny acorns under foot that would never grow to be oaks.
I saw two nandina bushes that were popping some great berry bunches, darkening red. Two that were planted by nature. Oddly, as much as I keep an eye out for what is not normally seen, I had never seen these two beauties before. Where they there yesterday, last week, all summer? How did I miss those? I started paying attention.
The breeze blew again and I let go. I realized how tired I was. How tired I am. I knew the truth… I was pushing myself and I am not one who does well with pushing. It doesn’t feel good to my soul. It is hard because it is against my nature. It feels wrong for me because pushing is not a value that I own.
So I am letting go. It’s time for a nap. To let the shadows and the light play on my wall as I drift off under cool sheets. I am listening. And I am grateful for the reminders that my day gives me. It’s okay that I forget sometimes.
